What's Wrong With This Picture?

Posted on Jan 23, 2017 @ 11:01am by Captain Michael Turlogh Kane & Commander Jacob Crichton
Edited on on Jan 23, 2017 @ 11:02am

Mission: Holodeck Havoc

= What’s Wrong With This Picture? =

(cont’d from “Ruins of Ketara: Chapter 8”)

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Captain's log, supplemental - with al major systems now online, the test of our main computer processors can begin in earnest...

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Location: USS Phoenix, berthed in Spacedock

Stardate: [2.17]0123.0111

Scene: Main Bridge (Deck 1, saucer section)


Michael Turlogh Kane was not in a particularly good mood. That was par for the course for him on a regular day, but right now he supposed that the events - or lack of events, to be more precise - of the past few weeks had been building upon him. The Phoenix was still stuck in Spacedock, still undergoing shakedown tests, still doing nothing of use. A magnificent vessel like this should be out among the stars, he felt, it should be patrolling the borders or intervening in some local crisis, not cooped up on what amounted to a city-sized laboratory.

There was more to it, too. Quite honestly, he was bored. Apart from a mercifully brief stint on Gateway station ten years ago, Kane's career had been spent on starships. At his age, he was probably spoiled for any other sort of duty, but that meant that he wasn't much of a one to sit still when there was something to do, or somewhere to go. This computer test was a necessary evil that he couldn't prevent - it needed to get done, but it was turning out to be a slow and static affair.

Commodore Darrell Young, the Spacedock Yard Master, and his people all seemed competent enough, which gave Kane hope that this test would be ultimately successful, and then everyone could get back to work. Too much downtime bred flippancy in a ship's crew, a fact known to all captains since the ancient days of sailing ships on Earth. Too many free hours led to craziness like Ladies' Nights and (God help them all) open mic nights.

Much of the murmured talk on the Phoenix's new bridge was technical, as the Spacedock engineers notified one another of power levels or data transfer rates, or any one of a dozen other factors they were monitoring. They were less than an hour into the test, but all was going well.

Darrell Young slowly paced the bridge, slowly but surely sidling towards the centre seat. Kane tried to will him to go away, but it was no use - Young was determined to make conversation. "All's going well, Captain."

Kane grunted in agreement.

Young was unperturbed. "Irish, right?" he smiled in a friendly fashion. "Recognise the accent anywhere. I'm Irish myself, as it happens."

Kane looked at him suspiciously. Darrell Young had chocolate brown skin, a head bald as a cue ball, and a wiry goatee beard that looked like it had been drawn on with a kohl pencil. "Is that right?"

Young chuckled. "Don't look it, do I? Well, not me, obviously. It's my heritage, though, and that makes me one of you, right? My mother's father was from Bringloi - "

Kane jumped to his feet. "I just remembered! I need to check on something in Engineering!" he said quickly, cutting the man off. "You can handle things here, Commodore?"

Young seemed surprised. "Of course, Captain."

Kane was in the turbolift before the words had left the man's mouth, thankful for his narrow escape.

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Scene: Main Engineering - Deck 35, drive section


Kane had been acutely aware of any change in the turbolift speed - he'd been half-worried that it might be running slow, given that the computer was operating at full capacity, but the ride down through the ship had been quick and smooth - and he was still fidgety after almost hearing about the Place That Should Never Be Named. He shuddered at the thought.

Main Engineering was in much the same state as the main bridge - both Phoenix and Spacedock engineers were monitoring the computer test, overseen by the baleful glare of Commander Malin-Argo, the ship's new chief engineer. Love him or loathe him (and many loathed him), the Grazerite was one of the best engineers in Starfleet, and Kane was glad to have him aboard.

As soon as he saw Kane, the Grazerite walked over. "Can I help you, Captain?"

Kane shook his head. "There's nothing much going on on the bridge right now, so I thought I'd see what was happening below decks. What is your appraisal of the test so far?"

Malin-Argo turned his bulk to face the open-plan floor of the main Engineering deck. The warp core was a deck below where they were standing, but much of the staff were up here. Kane followed his gaze, and could see that each of the workstations had two or more personnel working it. Several of the stations had a veritable mini-crowd, murmuring to one another as they followed the data streams. Kane could see Chaucer and Asta Elgin - the Gorn was monitoring the main ODN control station, while Asta was talking about the distribution relays to some Spacedock engineers, making her point by gesturing to various stations around the deck. It all looked busy, but well in hand.

"We all have our orders, it seems," ventured Malin-Argo.

Kane looked sidelong at him. "Having second thoughts, Commander?"

Malin-Argo shook his thick, bovine head. "No, sir. However, I would have preferred to run the test with my own people instead of having so many Spacedock personnel aboard. My own staff are perfectly competent."

Kane raised an eyebrow. The Grazerite's comment was probably the closest that the Engineering crew would ever get to praise, and it wasn't even directed at them. "I agree with you completely, Commander. This is the finest crew in Starfleet."

If Malin-Argo was going to reply, he didn't get the chance. A series of warning chimes sounded from the distribution relay, near to where Asta Elgin was standing. Immediately, Malin-Argo strode forward, and the engineers parted like the Red Sea.

Kane stood at the Chief Engineer's shoulder. Asta Elgin was quickly keying some commands into the computer, brow furrowed as she tried to interpret the data stream. "Malfunction in one of the data relays - deck seven, saucer section."

Malin-Argo watched what she was doing, but kept glancing back and forth between her fingers and a monitor on the wall that showed the arteries and veins of power as they flowed through the ship. One of the branches of one of the veins was flashing red on the display. "What is the affected system?"

Asta shook her head. "It's the main holodeck matrix, Commander. Some of the data is not configured in a correct format."

Kane watched intently. This was not something he could directly intervene in. He had no background in Engineering, aside from mandatory Academy classes and whatever he could pick up through his career. He did know that a starship's power distribution network was one of the most keenly-monitored systems on the ship, even more so than life support. The Phoenix had been badly damaged when a plasma fire got into its distribution network during the Battle of Earth.

Malin-Argo's black eyes were screwed up. His mouth moved silently as he made some quick mental calculations. "Isolate the holodeck matrix. Shut down and bypass the affected data relay."

"Yes, sir." Asta's fingers danced over the control console.

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Scene: Holodeck 3 - Office Building, Call Center Floor

Not long after Rob had left, Dave had appeared in the door to Jake’s cubicle. Jake had settled back into his desk and resumed taking calls so as to prevent a follow-up visit from Rob and his keyboard print tie. When he sensed Dave behind him, Jake punched the mute button on his headset control, swiveled around in his chair (he was getting the hang of it now), and looked up at the larger man.

“What can I do for you?”

“I’m going to the break room,” Dave said. “You got that dollar you owe me?”

Jake made a show of patting down his uniform, then shrugged apologetically. “Sorry.”

“Shit,” Dave said. He turned to leave. Jake, seeing an opportunity for some more sight-seeing and thankful for the opportunity to step away from the endless series of tech support calls, took off his headset, laid it on the desk, then stood up to jog after Dave.

“The break room, huh?” Jake asked. “They have a bar in there?”

“They have an instant coffee machine.”

Jake’s ears perked up. “Coffee?”

“I don’t think they can legally call it that,” Dave muttered.

“What are you getting?”

“Corn Nuts,” Dave said. He looked over at Jake, his expression annoyed. “What the hell is with you today, anyway?”



“What do you mean?”

“You’re acting like you got lobotomized last night after work,” Dave said. “Wearing your pajamas, acting so fucking cheery to everyone--”

“People don’t do that?” Jake asked.

“Not here,” said Dave. “Did you get another job or something? Or a promotion?”

Jake shook his head. “Just don’t see why someone would bring a bad attitude to work with them.”

Now Dave stopped in place. He turned, looking levelly at Jake, his expression searching. “You’re starting to scare me now, man.”

“Why?”

“Because you sound like a goddamn inspirational poster,” said Dave. “I swear to God if you tell me to ‘Hang In There Baby’, I’m going to come at you with everything I have.”

They resumed walking. Jake stole a few glances into the cubicles on either side of the aisle as he walked past them. Most of their occupants reminded Jake of Rob; they looked unhappy and out of shape, and from what Jake could make of the contents of their computer screens, it looked as though many of them weren’t even doing the job they’d come to do. He wasn’t sure why anyone would keep working in a place they so clearly hated, doing work they so obviously didn’t care about.

Suddenly, the whole world around Jake seemed to flicker. For a split second, he could make out the yellow lines of the holodeck grid all around him, as his holographic surroundings blinked in and out. Then everything was back; Dave, the fluorescent lighting, the rows of cubicles, their sallow-faced occupants…

Wait. That last cubicle. Something about its occupant struck Jake as odd. He’d only seem them for a moment, and from behind, but there was something…

“Jake!”

Jake and Dave both turned, and saw Rob jogging up the aisle behind them, his keyboard print necktie swinging back and forth. He looked worried, his thin lips pressed tightly together as he waved them down.

“Oh great,” Dave muttered.

“Jake!” Rob repeated as he came to a stop before them. “You’re away from your desk?”

“Uh,” Jake said, looking around, seeing that he was plainly away from his desk. “Yes. It seems I am.”

“You’re still in the queue!” Rob said, as though Jake had committed some almost unforgivable faux pas. Jake didn’t immediately catch Rob’s meaning, and he didn’t quite care. He was still thinking about what he’d seen in that last cubicle. He wanted to go back and check, but Rob was barring his path. Jake tried to step around him, not really listening to what he was saying, but Rob only stepped into his path again.

“It’s too early for your first break anyway!” Rob said. He sounding like he was fighting to keep his tone in check, but Jake had been enough dangerous situations to know when someone was doing their best to push down a rising tide of panic. The only thing was, Jake wasn’t sure just what the hell there was for Rob to be getting so worked up about. It was just a few missed phone calls, after all.

“Bathroom break,” Dave cut in. “Unless those are against policy now.”

“The bathroom is *that* way, David!” Rob said. When he was angry, his tone became even more shrill and nasally than usual.

“I need to go to the break room first,” said Dave. “If I don’t buy a soda, I won’t have anything to do in the bathroom.”

While they were arguing, Jake stepped around Rob and wandered back up to the last cubicle he’d passed. The interior of the cubicle was much like Jake’s own, save for a collection of photographs taped to a corkboard above the computer monitor. Seated in the swivel chair before the desk was a hunched figure, humanoid but only just so; spindly fingers tipped in thin claws stretched out across the keyboard on the desk, two hairy, notched ears rose from a head covered in a thin coat of tangled brown fur, and a leathery tail hung from one side of the chair to floor below.

Jake’s eyes widened as he realized he was looking at some kind of humanoid… *rat*. For a moment, he forgot about the simulation, and he took a few uneasy steps backward out of the cubicle as the chair swiveled around before him, revealing the beady eyes and long, misshapen snout of the rat-thing before him. Only now did Jake notice that the thing was wearing clothes, much like the clothes Dave and Rob were wearing (though Jake noticed the ratman seemed to have better taste in neckties). He also spotted the headset, much like the one he’d left behind in his own cubicle, clamped onto the creature’s head, looking absurd against the rat-things oversized ears.

While Jake was still trying to make sense of what he was seeing, the creature spoke, in a voice that was actually quite pleasant.

“Heya, Jake! Collecting for the birthday fund again?”

Jake blinked. “What-”

Suddenly Rob was there. He smiled impatiently at the rat-thing. “Hi Carl.”

“Hi Rob,” the ratman said.

“Carl?” Jake looked from Rob, to the creature, then back to Rob. “You mean you can see-”

“Lots of calls today,” Rob said. “Now I know it’s nice to stretch your legs, but come on! We need you back on the field, man!”

Jake looked back at the rat-man, then at the pictures stuck to the corkboard above the creature’s head. To his shock, the photos all seemed to depict fairly normal situations for this era - barbecues, children’s birthday parties, family photos - except that in every place where one would expect to find a human being, there was instead a hideous, anthropomorphised rat wearing human clothes.

Jake shook his head and pointed at the rat-man. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“My vacation is next week,” the rat-man said.

“No, I mean there aren’t supposed to be rat monsters inside this program.”

Everyone - Rob, the rat-man, occupants of nearby cubicles, and even Dave - gasped. All at once, all activity in the office seemed to stop. Jake looked around and noticed everyone was staring at him with expressions of mixed shock and horror. Rob, who had in the short time Jake had known him always seemed to be trying to project unshakeable optimism, looked like he was about to throw up.

“Holy shit, dude,” said Dave.

“That-” Rob stammered, looking between the rat-man and Jake. “Jake, you can’t- that- that’s *their*-”

“What the *hell* is your problem?” the rat-man asked, suddenly standing up from his chair. He pulled the headset off and threw it on the desk, then took a step towards Jake. Jake noted the sound his tail made as it dragged across the carpet.

Jake sighed. “Computer, end program.”

Nothing happened. The ratman still glared up at Jake, its nose twitching. Rob, his face gone a sickly pale, clutched helplessly at his tie and looked between Jake and the rat creature. Dave stepped up.

“Hey, Carl,” he said. “Be cool, he didn’t mean it.”

“He knew what he was saying!” said the rat-monster.

“No, I’m telling you, Jake’s been acting weird all day,” Dave pressed.

“Computer! End program!”

Still nothing. The ratman, Carl, looked like he was calming down a bit, and his expression had turned from what passed on a rat monster’s face for anger to what passed on a rat monster’s face for confusion. Even Rob was looking concerned.

“He hasn’t been himself since he got here,” Dave continued. “I think he must be sick, and, like, delirious or something.”

Jake slapped his commbadge. “Commander Crichton to bridge.”

No response.

Jake slapped the commbadge again. “Commander Crichton to Captain Kane.”

No response.

“Are you okay?” Rob asked.

Jake tried a third time. “Commander Crichton to anyone receiving. Thytos? Andersson? Anybody?”

“I think he’s having a stroke,” said Dave.

Jake rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Dave.”

“If you’ve got the flu or something, I don’t want you in my cubicle,” said Carl the ratman. “I’m going on vacation next week.”

Jake frowned. “You shut up too, Whiskers.”

Rob went white again. “Jake, you can’t-”

“Something’s wrong here,” Jake said, ignoring Rob. “There definitely weren’t any rat people in the 21st century, and all of you are acting like it’s normal. Something’s going on here.”

From behind them, a voice spoke with a proper English accent. “I quite agree.”

Jake, Rob, Dave, and Carl the ratman turned to see a tall, thin man with narrow features and holding a small wooden pipe, into which he was currently sucking the flickering remains of a match head. He was wearing an old-fashioned looking brown suit, as well as a lanyard, from which hung a nametag. Jake had never been much of a reader, but even he didn’t need to see the nametag to know who he was looking at.

Sherlock Holmes puffed the contents of his pipe into ruddy like, blew out a cloud of smoke, and fixed Jake was a skeptical eye. “Things have gone very wrong indeed.”

Behind Jake, Rob mumbled: “You’re not supposed to smoke in here.”

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Scene: Main Engineering

Kane sensed that now would be a good time to assert himself. He lowered his voice. "Report, Commander."

Malin-Argo didn't look back. "It appears that some of the data in the holodeck matrix has become corrupted. The system has been isolated, and it will not affect the processor test. However, I recommend shutting down the holodecks as a precaution."

"Do whatever you think is necessary, Commander," said Kane. He moved away from the group, and touched the communicator on his left breast. "Kane to bridge."

[[Young here. Captain, I was just about to call you. There's been a malfunction in one of - ]]

"I'm here in Engineering, Commodore. My Chief Engineer is going to shut down the holodecks as a precaution, but wishes to continue the processor test. I'm prepared to follow his recommendation."

[[Understood, Captain Kane. Young out.]]

As Kane cut the connection, he looked back to the group of engineers. Asta Elgin was gesticulating helplessly to her superior. Kane marched over. "Report."

Malin-Argo's jaw set. "Captain, we are unable to take the holodecks offline. A cascade failure is affecting the core holodeck matrix and associated systems. The holdecks are locked shut and communications are down."

Kane felt a flash of worry. "Almost all the senior officers are in the holodecks. Are they in any danger?"

Malin-Argo shook his head. "No. At least, not at this point. Apologies, Captain - we are conducting a diagnostic now. Please standby."

Kane could do nothing but stand there and wait.

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Scene: Holodeck 3 - Office Building, Call Center Floor

Jake was combing his way through the aisles of cubicles. Carl the ratman had remained with his cubicle, but Rob, Dave, and Sherlock Holmes had all come along for the ride. Dave and Rob seemed to still be concerned about Jake’s mental state; neither one of them had paid much attention to Holmes, and from what Jake could tell they seemed to think he was just another employee here in the office.

Something had gone wrong with the holodeck, that much was clear. Jake’s program was supposed to adhere to strict 21st century parameters, which meant no rat monsters - **rat people** Jake thought - and certainly no Sherlock Holmes. Worse yet, the computer was no longer responding to voice commands, and he wasn’t getting any kind of response from his comm-badge either. For now, it seemed, Jake was stuck inside the holodeck.

Jake rounded a corner, and saw a sign pointing him to the restrooms. He didn’t have to go - and wouldn’t have, in any case, out of pity of whatever sad sacks whose job it was to scrub out the holodeck - but he had a feeling bathroom social norms hadn’t changed much over the centuries, and thought the restroom might be a good place to ditch his entourage and take a few minutes to think.

“Really, Jake, I think you should sit down,” Rob was saying.

“I hate to agree with this dweeb but he’s right,” said Dave.

“Those two are sleeping together,” said Sherlock Holmes, whose attention had wandered away from the conversation and landed on two more employees standing near the copier station. “Observe, the mug he’s using is for the Danville Area Community College in Illinois, but the clip on his tie is stamped with the logo for the Florida Marlins. One certainly would not attend a community college in Illinois if one were born and raised in Florida, and therefore the mug must not be his. Furthermore-”

“Maybe he moved,” Dave suggested.

“Look guys,” Jake said, turning to face his trio of followers. “I need a minute, okay?” He hooked a thumb behind him, in the direction of the batroom.

Rob still looked worried, but he forced a smile. “Oh, yeah. Hey. When you gotta go.”

Jake turned and retreated into the restroom. He took a step inside, rounded a corner… and stopped.

The corridor of a space station stretched out ahead of him. Jake would know it anywhere; it was a Nor-class Cardassian station. Jake was familiar with their layout. Coming up the corridor, towards Jake, was a platoon of Jem’Hadar soldiers.

Jake turned and stepped out of the bathroom.

“That didn’t take long,” said Dave.

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Scene: Main Engineering - Deck 35, drive section


The diagnostic didn't take long to complete, but anxious minutes passed while the engineers talked amongst themselves, and Kane paced the floor. There was no sense of emergency, per se - it was more like a sense of concern, of uncertainty regarding a thing that was thought to have been certain, and he could sympathise with that. Nobody liked things to go more smoothly than a ship's captain.

Whatever Malin-Argo was talking to Asta Elgin about, they seemed to have a handle on it at last. They approached him.

"We've completed the diagnostic," said Malin-Argo. "As expected, there is a large swathe of corrupted data in the holodeck mainframe. Associated systems are also affected."

"How did that happen?" asked Kane.

"During the test, one of the data relays became overloaded and shunted data into a random neighbouring system - the holodeck matrix," explained Asta. "The holodeck mainframe runs on specific software that was incompatible with the data that got put into it. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole - you can do it, but either the peg or the hole has to be drastically changed."

Malin-Argo took up the tale. "The holodeck is acting independently now. Where before there were ten programs running separately, the system is now trying to assimmilate them all as one huge data file. It's combining all compatible software into one single file - the square peg - and spreading that file across all holodecks simultaneously."

"The round hole," Kane nodded. "What's happening to the incompatible data?"

"Nothing," said Asta. "It's taking up memory space in the holodeck mainframe. It won't cause any problems other than causing occasional slowdown with the main holodeck program."

"What about our people on the holodecks?" asked Kane. "You're sure they're not in danger?"

Malin-Argo held up his hands placatingly. "The holodeck safeties are still online, Captain. Right now, they're likely to be confused - they'll be able to *see* representations of each other inside their own holodecks, and their own individual programs will have changed too, to incorporate elements of each of the other individual holodeck programs."

"From a software point of view, it's a real mess," said Asta. "They'll be okay, but it's going to get weird in there."

Kane put his hands to his face. "How soon until we regain control of the holodeck mainframe?"

"Unknown at this time," said Malin-Argo. "As soon As I have an estimate, Captain, you'll have it."

Kane nodded in resignation. "Keep at it, Commander." There was nothing to do now, but wait.

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NRPG: As per usual, the holodeck is broken. A glitch in the matrix has caused all of our various programs to begin bleeding into each other, with elements from each program mixing and overlapping and popping up in unexpected (probably comical, but maybe horrible) ways. Worse yet, the computer won’t respond to our commands and our comm-badges (if anyone is carrying theirs) are useless. The safeties are still on, so we’re in no mortal danger, but as Asta says in the post, “it’s going to get weird in there.”

It didn’t come up in this post - I wanted to introduce it but it’s getting late and I don’t want to keep you waiting so we’ll just cover it here real quick - but our characters can begin to cross paths now as well. They are still in their own holodecks, so they experience one another as another hologram, though one that’s controlled by their real-life proxy in their own holodeck.

On the other hand, maybe they’re all just figments of the holodecks broken imagination. The possibilities are endless. Question everything. Trust no one. Don’t microwave fish in the breakroom.

Good luck.

A Joint-Post by…

Shawn Putnam

A.k.a.

Jake Crichton

Executive Officer

USS PHOENIX

And

Jerome McKee

the Soul of Captain Michael Turlogh Kane

Commanding Officer

USS PHOENIX


"He speaks an infinite deal of nothing!"

- Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice", Act 1, Scene 1.117


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