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Never A Bad Time Here

Posted on May 19, 2019 @ 3:31am by Iphigenia Bonviva
Edited on on May 19, 2019 @ 3:31am

Mission: The Uncertainty Principle

“Never A Bad Time Here”


“Never be certain of anything. It’s a sign of weakness.”
-Doctor Who


Scene: The Vulgar Tribble

Iphie Bonviva was sitting cross-legged on the floor surveying her supplies. Making notes on the PADD next to her, the chef/bartender was aware of the Bynares that were running in and out of the back, chattering in their native binary.

“01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110000 00100000 01110011 01110000,” Calvin began.

“01101100 01101001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111,” Hobbes finished off.

The Bolian/Human chef tucked the rainbow hair strand back into the long braid that was pulled through her black chef beanie before the braid went down her back. Even though she marked today as “inventory” day she was still dressed in her chef “whites” (her executive jacket with pants), sensible clogs, and a dishcloth tucked into her waistband.. “For the last time, if you keep spouting this nonsense about the ship splitting in two I’m going to split each of you in two. If the ship split in two, then why aren’t there four
of you? Maybe out of four, I’ll get one non-paranoid assistant. Sweet baby-Kahless-on-a-pogo-stick is that too much to ask?”

Suddenly there was a voice that came from out where the visitors to the unusually named Ten Forward sat. “If this is a bad time, I can come back.”

It was her job to make everyone feel welcome, although in this case she did enjoy the person. Standing up she shooed away the Bynares with a hiss of “something useful, please”, dusted herself off while walking out to meet the Chief Security Officer. “Avenging Veggie,” she said using the nickname she came up with for Lt. Jasmine Yu. “It’s not a bad time. What are you looking for?”

Jasmine nodded in response as she considered her options. “I was looking for something relatively quick. Perhaps a sandwich?”

Iphie nodded as she got to work, knowing the Security Chief’s preferences. Sliding over a cool glass of water, the chef found some chickpeas, which after a quick rinse, were ready for smashing. Leaving that aside, Iphie got out an avocado that was ready for her chef’s knife; while doing that she asked, “Got plans?”

“There’s always much to do,” Jasmine replied. Taking a long sip of water she watched the chef who added the avocado to the chickpea smash and asked, “Are you planning on going back to EARTH?”

“Don’t know,” Iphie admitted. Taking out two slices of crusty sourdough bread, the cerulean woman took out a lime, and after cutting it in half, squeezed the juice on the chickpea and avocado mixture, and then seasoned it. After mixing it up, Iphie rummaged around for various vegetables including lettuce, tomato, and green onion which she quickly chopped, sliced and diced. “The need for some variety in my herbs is real,” she explained. “But then there I have to be considerate and all that to people’s tastes.”

Jasmine thought about that. “Well it’s not all about their personal tastes,” she mused. “I know for those that are Humans, or of Human descent, one of the earliest mappings of the genomes came from scientists detecting the odor-genes. And why they did that was because so many Humans had such a strong distaste for cilantro, and they were able to link those Humans who disliked cilantro to one of those markers, to those that did not.”

Iphie twirled the knife before putting it in the recycler. “Really? Huh.” Picking a butter knife, Iphie built the smashed chickpea and avocado sandwich with sliced tomato and lettuce, sprinkled it with ribbons of green onion on crusty sourdough bread. Placing it on a rainbow dish she said, “So all I need to get a map of everyone’s genomes, map that to the breakfast-lunch-and-dinner menus and---”

Picking up the sandwich, Jasmine pointed out, “It would be easier to just *ask* what people liked.”

“Ok, now you’re just as ridiculous as Calvin and Hobbes,” Iphie pointed out. “First they were all like “the ship split in two” and now you’re like “base your menu by talking to the crew”. Sheesh.”

Jasmine gave a look at Iphie. “You didn’t see the ship split in two?”

“Really? You’re in on the joke too?” Iphie said as she wiped down the counter. Giving a look to the Chief of Security she asked, “Can you imagine two of me and four of the Bynares?”

With a twinkle in her eye, Iphie continued cleaning up the The Vulgar Tribble leaving Jasmine to continue eating her lunch in peace.


NRPG: Hello from The Vulgar Tribble! :) I exist. Iphie and the Bynares (in actual binary above thank you) say hello! BTW: the fact that Jasmine gives about cilantro/genome mapping is true -- scientists did find a single spot on humans’ genomes that they believe correlate as to whether or not you like it.

Ran: No need to follow up. I just wanted to have a straight conversation between Iphie and someone. Hope I did ok.

Recipe for the sandwich:
1 15-oz. can chickpeas, rinsed, drained, and skinned
1 large, ripe avocado
2 Tbsp. chopped green onions
Juice of 1 lime
Salt and pepper, to taste
Bread of your choice (Iphie used sourdough)
Sandwich toppings (Iphie used lettuce and tomato)
In a medium bowl, smash the chickpeas and avocado together using a fork or large spoon. Add in the green onions and lime juice and stir. Season with salt and pepper. Spread onto bread and top with your favorite sandwich toppings.


Sarah Albertini-Bond
Chef Iphie Bonviva


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