Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble
Posted on Dec 26, 2016 @ 7:20am by Iphigenia Bonviva
Edited on on Dec 26, 2016 @ 7:20am
Mission: Aftermath
“Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble”
=/\=
Location: USS PHOENIX
Scene: Corridor on Deck 35 of the Drive Section outside Main Engineering
SD: [2.17]1226.0115
Iphie Bonviva frowned at the doors that were closed. Leaning on the buzzer outside the doors to Main Engineering she tried again to get in. The large doors swooshed open and this time a different engineer appeared. She was human woman with short brunette hair with warm chocolate eyes. “Hi, I’m Ensign Ryan,” Lynette Ryan smiled kindly. Knowing this was the chef’s third time trying to get into Main Engineering she said, “I’m sorry but you still can’t come in.”
“Are you all doing “Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble” in there to tell me the same thing?” Iphie asked.
Actually they figured a different messenger might get the point across, but there was no reason to drive that point home. “Commander Malin-Argo is our new CEO and he is not who you want to meet on the other side of the doors,” Ens. Ryan explained.
“But how will I know what to serve?” Iphie asked plaintively. “I need to get people’s favorite foods, meet them to know what food they are--”
“We have replicators,” Lynette Ryan stated knowing this was the standard line that Engineering had agreed upon.
“Replicators,” Iphie repeated numbly. Lynette wasn’t sure but she was pretty sure that the azure woman with the funky hair was going to cry. “Look I get it. Using replicators for an ingredient or two, emergency situations like--I don’t know---but HOLY-BABY-KAHLESS-ON-A-POGO-STICK are you telling me people eat replicated food on a regular basis? What about your liquor consumption? PRIORITIES HERE PEOPLE!” Suddenly Iphie sat down on the ground and buried her head in her hands. “I’m not meant for ship life,” she moaned.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ensign Maynell in Engineering giving her the galactic hand-gesture for “Hurry-it-up”. On one hand she knew that she had work to do but at the same time, Lynette understood what it was like (all too recently) what it was like to have people to help you when they didn’t have to. Would she be standing here if they hadn’t?
Crouching down the Engineer shook her head whispered, “We won’t always replicate our food.”
Iphie looked at the engineer and smiled slowly. She realized that Ensign Ryan was trying to help. Pulling out a PADD and made a note; when Lynette gave a look she said, “Oh it’s nothing it’s just you look like a hot chocolate. You’re very comforting.” Smiling she waved a hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Okay, we’re good here?” Lynette asked quietly. When Iphie nodded, the Engineer shook her head and stepped inside totally baffled and a little amused by the new proprietor of the Vulgar Tribble.
Cantor Von had been standing back in the corridor, having watched this little exchange quietly for quite some time and was planning to continue on his way. Except the chef did not appear to be moving and sitting in the middle of the corridor was an acceptable option. “Are you planning on having a sit in?”
Iphie looked up from her position outside Main Engineering. “That’s an option?” she asked with a smile.
“I would advise against it,” he said with a quiet firmness as he came over.
The chef looked up she smiled, “Why Mustard Man?” Frowning she said, “No, that’s not right either.” Standing up she said, “Nope, I can’t assign you a food without knowing you, I should know better. My apologies.”
Cantor Von stood there stared at the young woman who appeared to be Bolian but with an abundance of blonde and orange hair and a t-shirt that said, “My superpowers include making beer disappear”. And even when just looking, let alone sensing her, he realized a few things:
Clearly she wasn’t Starfleet
She wasn’t duplicitous
He had no idea who she was and she clearly didn’t know who he was
“I think we need to start again. I’m Lieutenant Von, the Chief Operations Officer,” he stated.
“I’m Iphie,” she said as if that alone was title, station, and direction in life (which for her it was).
Then she began walking and he fell into step next to her. “And what is Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble?”
The Bolian/Human woman grinned. “It’s a great game to determine who will win. Or lose. You don’t know it?”
Von paused for a moment; he could not, would not, trot out *why* he had been away from modern popular culture for the last few years. So instead he simply said, “It can’t be what I’m possibly thinking it is.” Which was a great line to neither confirm nor deny that he knew something.
“Ok, so we have 5 items,” Iphie began.
=/\=
Scene: Deck 16 - Corridor -> Sickbay
“So let me see if I have this right,” Von said as he walked next to the woman in measured steps. It took several turns before he finally asked her where she was going (Sickbay) and then had to get them turned around to go the right way, but now at least he knew they were on the right path.
And they were still talking about Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble shockingly enough. “Rock crushes the Phasers?” When Iphie nodded he asked, “What kind of rock is this?”
“A big one?” Iphie replied with a shrug. “I don’t know I never asked. Now the Phasers go boom to the PADD.”
**Years and theories of engineering and we have ‘Go boom’l,** Von thought wryly.
“They also obliterate the Tribble,” Iphie continued.
Von nodded; that made sense to him. Remembering the steps he said, “But not to the Captain.”
“Ok, I mean I only met Captain Homie once but no boom for Captain. That makes sense, I thought he could figure out a way to turn off the phasers. Isn’t that why Cap’n Homie is going prematurely gray and has all those wrinkles?” Iphie asked, almost out of concern.
It took Von a moment (or two) to process that and to connect everything and *not* bust a vein. “Come again?”
“Dude in charge of the PHOENIX,” Iphie explained as if Von had never met him, which clearly wasn’t the case. “Guy with the unhealthy level of wrinkles.”
“I knew you meant Captain Kane actually,” Von clarified, still doing a good job of hiding how flummoxed he was that someone was referring to Michael Kane as Captain Homie. “I just never heard him referred as such.”
“Well I don’t know why not. He’s a Captain. And he’s a Homie,” the chef replied as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “And then PADD removes Captain from duty--”
Von gave her a look as they continued down the corridor. “I really can’t see a PADD removing Captain Kane from power.” What he refrained from saying was the only way power was being removed was “from his cold dead hands”. Again, there was a lot about this game that Von wasn’t saying.
Iphie grinned at that. “Was I suggesting a mutiny by PADD? It’s a game. Work with me here, or I’m going back to calling you Mustard Man.” Frowning as she stopped in front of a set of doors she asked, “Is that it?”
“That’s a conference room not Sickbay,” Von explained, grateful he knew his way around this part of the ship. “Trust me, you’ll know it when you get to it. What was I up to?”
“Tribble,” Iphie pointed out as she took a left.
Von sighed as he saw the only person on the ship with a worse sense of direction that him. **It’s probably best she’s the chef.** He had gotten that out of her a couple of floors ago. “The other left,” he called out as he went right but not wanting to directly say that. As she pivoted and continued to follow him. “So Tribble does what now?”
“Tribble smothers the Captain and eats the PADD and is crushed by the Rock,” Iphie continued on once she caught up.
“Tribbles don’t eat PADDs,” Canton Von stood outside Sickbay with the new proprietor. “And we’re at Sickbay.”
Suddenly the chef frowned, not going in but instead studying the Chief of Operations. Von stood there quietly, not moving but staring back, unsure where this staring contest was going. It wasn’t the light hearted discussion of what would happen in a hypothetical world of Tribbles meeting booming Phasers….
“You’re not a Mustard,” Iphie declared. “Your uniform is misleading.”
“I’m Operations, this is the standard Starfleet uniform,” Von pointed out.
“You’re not a condiment, you don’t just add to things. That’s a mustard - it starts out a humble seed, only to be ground up with vinegar and honey….but ultimately it’s only job is to always support,” Iphie explained.
Von turned that over in his mind. **That is the very definition of Operations, to support the ship.**
“You’ve got layers, you think about things and you move too much. You put more thought into Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble than Ferengis when they gamble.”
Cantor turned that over in his mind for a moment, letting the implication sink in. “You gambled against Ferengis in a game of Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble?” Von asked, positive of the answer.
“It was fun,” Iphie grinned briefly as she pulled out a PADD from her back pocket. “Sorry you’re not a Mustard.”
Von gave her a look, not quite as severe as a frown but not a smile either. He was more puzzled than anything else, although he kept that away too so in the end he was a study in confused neutrality. “You keep saying this. And I can’t change my uniform because of condiments.”
Iphie scrolled through the PADD while Cantor talked; suddenly her face brightened up. “You’re a pocket!”
Clearly this made sense to her, but not to him. He went from food to a utilitarian tool? “A pocket? Something to store something in?”
Iphie smiled that he was following along (even if he didn’t realize it). “A food pocket. The outside is a pastry, inside is all the meat, vegetables and yes seasonings like mustard, and it’s all perfectly cooked. You could make a dessert version if you wanted. But...no, I’m thinking savory. You have layers, you’re practical, you’re on the go. You’re a food pocket. Thanks Von!”
And Von stood there trying to figure what he thought of that, and belatedly that he forgot to correct her and tell her that it was *Lieutenant* Von; but by then Iphie had gone sailing into the Sickbay.
“You here for your standard check in?” Crewman Ra-Drei
Iphie was mesmerized by the frenetic pace of Sickbay. There was an amazing amount of people running back and forth, tossing and passing back and forth medical equipment with ease, while tossing out words and words and acronyms that made sense to them and them alone.
“Need a BMP, chem panel, CBC on bio3.”
“Got a GOMER on bio2.”
“Bio 5 is reporting SOB - abnormal bibasilar breath sounds--”
Creman Ra-Drei tried again, “Are you here for your standard check-in?”
Iphie shook her head trying to focus on the nurse in front of her. “Ah, yeah, I’m here for my check-in.”
The Efrosian nurse took in Iphie’s standard information and brought her to a biobed. After the nurse left, the Bolian/Human sat there watching everything. Sighing she sat back and started studying her PADD. “There’s going to be a lot of people here I’ve got to figure out,” she muttered.
=/\=
NRPG: Ok ending it there as I’ve already probably confused and wrecked havoc on 2 characters and that’s my limit for today.
All food associated with crew is Iphie’s opinion only and does not need to be consumed :) It’s how she associates to people.
Phillip: Hope that works for you! I tried to leave it open for another interaction.
Marko: I took the most liberties with Von, hope that was ok. If feel free to return the favor :) I figured that a game of “Rock, PADD, Phasers, Captain, Tribble” would be baffling to someone who has been isolation. Probably Iphie overall is baffling now that I think of it *g*
Tiffany: Iphie made it to Sickbay! Feel free to tell her she’s wasting away from over-imagination or some other dreaded disease ;-)
Alix: I know you said you had an idea for Kass/Iphie so I didn’t do anything.
I will hopefully get to the others.
Rules for Rock/Phaser/Captain/Tribble/PADD
(the ST version of Rock/Scissors/Spock/Lizard/Paper)
Note: the first item in the line always beats the second item
Rock crushes Phaser (rock beats phaser)
Rock crushes Tribble (rock beats tribble)
Phaser “goes boom” PADD (phaser beats padd)
Phaser obliterates Tribble (phaser beats tribble)
Captain smashes Phaser (captain beats phaser)
Captain vaporizes Rock (captain beats rock)
Tribble smothers Captain (tribble beats captain)
Tribble eats PADD (tribble beats padd)
PADD removes/disproves Captain (padd beats captain)
PADD covers Rock (padd beats rock)
Medical terms that go above Iphie’s head (but not Sickbay’s):
CBC = Complete Blood Panel
BMP = Basic metabolic panel
Chem panel = chemistry panel
Bibasilar = base of both lungs
SOB = Shortness of Breath
GOMER = Get Out of My Emergency Room
=/\=
Sarah Albertini-Bond
~writing for~
Iphie Bonviva
“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like.”
-Mark Twain