It's Not Okay

Posted on Nov 26, 2016 @ 10:05pm by Commander Jacob Crichton
Edited on on Nov 26, 2016 @ 10:11pm

Mission: Aftermath

= It's Not Okay =

(cont'd from "It's You")



LOCATION: BAD WOLF (né DRAYTON'S DREAM ;-) )

SCENE: Bunks

STARDATE: [2.16] 1126.1845



Jake found Dahlia seated on one of the bunks, hugging her legs close to her chest, her face buried in her knees, weeping softly. He stood for a moment, watching her - this poor girl of 12 who had seen so much, and lost so much - and wrestled with his urge to go to her, comfort her, and his belief that she wouldn't welcome the attention. She was on the verge of her teenage years, when childhood and all its trappings would gradually fall away like a chrysalis, revealing the young woman that she would become, and so far these years of transition had been anything but kind. She had been too young to really understand the traumas of the Dominion War (though that did not mean they had not affected her), and probably too young to have many clear memories of her biological father, Gene McInnis. As a result, she had a tendency to hoard precious moments, guarding them jealously against anything that might threaten those few things in the galaxy that she could truly call her own. In their best moments, Jake and Xana had both championed her in that fight, working where they could to give her the stability and happiness that had so often been denied her.



And now, they were the agents of that loss, and it seemed the best that Jake could do was hope that she would not end up hating them for it.



"Dahlia," Jake said quietly.



"Go away."



"I will if you want me to," Jake said. "But your mother said I should try to talk to you."



"I don't want to talk to either of you."



"Okay." Jake sighed, turned, started to leave, when Dahlia's voice stopped him.



"You said we would be a family again."



Jake stopped at the threshold, and leaned his head against the cool surface of the BAD WOLF's bulkhead. He could correct her, remind her that he'd only promised they would find her mother after the Neo-Essentialist crisis, not that it would heal their fractured family unit. But that would be petty; scoring points against a 12 year old.



"This isn't what any of us wanted," Jake said, turning back to her. "Your mother and I have tried, Dee. We really have. For years, since before Ben was born. This has been a long time coming... we just... we weren't up to this."



"Why?" Dahlia asked, lifting her head. For an instant, Jake was nearly staggered by the intensity of her gaze. "What is so hard about staying together? Don't talk to me like I'm dumb and tell me, because I don't think you know."



"It isn't something we can explain," Jake said. He took a few tentative steps forward, getting as close as the heat of her regard would allow him. "This isn't a decision we made on the fly, Dee. It's been years coming, before I first left on the SHERWOOD."



"Try to explain."



Jake sighed. "It comes down to feeling useful."



"Useful?"



"I know how it sounds," Jake said. He took another step forward. "For us, this isn't a choice between our lives and... and having you. Even though I know it feels that way. You love us, right?"



Dahlia didn't answer, but her lip curled with disgust at the question.



"Right, stupid question. Stupid and unfair. But Dee, those things you love about us... they're a part of who we are. We serve. Our lives in Starfleet, or in the Federation government, are an expression of that. It's a value we've both tried to instill in you."



"I know about service," Dahlia said. "I want to join Starfleet when I grow up. I wanted to be an engineer, like you showed me. You said I was good at it."



"You are," Jake said, smiling a little. "So good, Dee. And if that's what you want, you could have it. God knows the fleet could use you."



"But I wouldn't give you up for it," Dahlia continued. "Not even if they said I could be a captain."



"I know."



"Then why are you?!" Dahlia was shouting now, and for an instant Jake thought she might fly off the bunk and attack him. In that instant, he did not recognize his daughter, did not recognize this white hot ball of fury that sat before him, ready to burn his feeble excuses to ash.



"We aren't," Jake said. He rallied his flagging courage and managed to cross the next few steps between them, and took a seat next to her on the bunk, though not so close that they were touching. "There isn't a way to explain this that will make the hurt go away, Dahlia. I'm sorry for that, and so is your mother. But... you remember, right after Ben was born, when we were living at the villa?"



Dahlia did not speak, but she nodded slowly.



"That wasn't.. me," Jake sighed. "I know that's hard to understand, it's hard for me to understand too... but that person, he was... he was going through the motions."



"Going through the motions?" Dahlia echoed, contemptuously.



"Poor choice of words. Hell, kid, we're going to be here all day if you call me out on every stupid thing I say. I know this is just about the last thing you want to hear right now, but believe it or not, this isn't that much easier for me to understand than it is for you."



"I don't care."



"Right. I guess that's fair enough."



"You want to fly around in a starship more than you want to live with us," Dahlia said. "Me and Ben and mom. We're less important to you than your stupid adventures."



"Dee-"



"No," Dahlia said. "You do. And you don't want to say it that way, but it's still true. You can't be happy unless you might die and that isn't fair!"



"Unless I might...?"



"Die," Dahlia said, wiping a fresh set of tears from her eyes. "I've heard you and mom argue. I was with you these last two years. How many times did you almost die?"



"Dee..."



"How many times?!"



Jake had no answer, and he was ashamed to realize that was because he'd lost count. He found the strength to meet her eyes, but not to speak. Dahlia broke first, the tears blotting out the viciousness of her gaze, and then she fell against him, her little arms wrapping around him to hold him close, clutching him hard, as if to keep him from ever going away again.



"Please," she said, the word drawing out between hard sobs. "I don't want you to go away, Jake. I don't want you to die like my daddy!"



Jake held her back, grateful for this physical contact even as he felt guilty that she'd denied it to Xana. "Dahlia... I..."



"Mr. Varn died, and Ensign Perry, and Solomon Arn and so many others, and you can't promise me you won't because everyone says that but it isn't true!"



"Dahlia... Dahlia!" Jake pushed her away, taking her shoulder and dropping off the bunk to one knee, so he could look her in the eye. "I know these last two years have been hard. God, they've been hell, and you've been through too much for someone your age. Ben too. And you're right, I can't promise that nothing will happen to me. But I swear to you, I will do everything I can to come home to you, and Ben. Everything, you hear me?"



"But that isn't enough!" Dahlia said. "Please! Please just stay with us! I'll be better, I promise! And Ben too, I'll make sure he's good, it doesn't have to be bad for you! We can make it good for you, you don't have to go away!"



Dahlia's words dissolved into sobs, and Jake clutched her close, feeling her tears soaking into his shirt. He stroked her hair, frustrated that it was all he could think to do in that moment, and that it fell as short of comforting her as he knew it would. They stayed like that for a long time, though neither of them would later be able to say exactly how long. Eventually, as Dahlia's sobs gradually began to soften, Jake moved to sit next to her on the bunk once more.



"It isn't easy, kid," he sighed. "And it isn't fair."



No answer, only sniffles.



"Look," Jake said. "Your mother... she's as sad as you are, even if you can't see that right now. Go easy on her, huh?"



"No," Dahlia said, almost savagely. "She could go with you. We could all be together, even if we might die, but she doesn't want to because she's scared."



"That isn't it. Your mom... she's braver than me, Dee. Braver than you know."



"No she isn't."



"Yeah she is. Look where she's been, look what she's been doing."



"It wasn't for us."



"No," Jake said. "But it was for other people. And I think you can appreciate that, even if it's hard right now."



"I don't care," Dahlia shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jake. I know you want this to be okay, but isn't. And it isn't going to be. And that's your fault, yours and mom's, not mine."



She pushed him away then, breaking his heart all over again. She resumed the position she'd been in when Jake had found her, curled up in a ball, hugging her knees tightly to her chest. Jake sat there beside her for awhile longer, listening to her quiet sobs, before silently standing and walking back out of the room.



=[/\]=



NRPG: TWISTING THE KNIFE LOL


Sarah: No big deal, but Raxl Dreyton's ship is called "BAD WOLF", though now I know what his next ship will be called when he inevitably crashes this one. ;-)



Shawn Putnam

a.k.a.

Jake Crichton

Chief Engineering Officer

USS PHOENIX