FRPG: Personal Log: Xana Bonviva ("Motherhood has torn me asunder")

Posted on Jul 29, 2014 @ 9:42pm by Ambassador Xana Bonviva

From the personal log of Xana Bonviva - 2.140721.2249:

My family is safe. I don’t know where they are, I don’t even know when I’ll see them again, but I know they are together and for now that is enough.

My family is safe.

I keep repeating this like it is a prayer. Maybe it is a prayer. I believe in gods – the Gods of Love and Pain. But I’m not ashamed to admit that when my children were taken that I prayed to anyone who would listen.

[[long sigh]]

I became a mother. I wanted to be a mother, though I’m not sure why now that I’m thinking about it. It’s not like I had a clue how to do it. And it’s not like I had a particularly good relationship with my own mother. By that point it wasn’t bad anymore, but I’m not sure thinking “Well I can do better than *her*” is really the impetus that one should go into childrearing with.

I remember holding Dahlia when she was born and it was the first time I ever held a baby. Who does that? Who holds a baby for the first time and it’s your baby? And I remember the doctors and nurses left us and my thought was, “Should they be doing that? Do they know what they’re doing?” The doctors trusted me with my own baby more than I trusted myself with my baby.

[[long gulp – clinking sounds]]

Gods, raising Dahlia that first year was…a blur. I had just become an Ambassador and Gene was on the GATEWAY as Counselor, a demotion for him, so he had more time. I relied on him a lot then. I think I relied on him too much. I said it was because my job was demanding, but it’s not like being Chief Counselor wasn’t demanding.

[[gulp]]

I found being a mother hard. They told me it was going to be hard, and everyone said the late nights, the teething. The constant feedings, changings, the crawling and constant monitoring you have to do with an infant.

That wasn’t the hard part. It’s constant, and it’s a challenge, but it wasn’t hard. You know what’s hard? Walking up and down the halls with an infant who is wide awake and who just will not sleep at 2:48 when you have to get up 0600 and there’s no reason why she won’t sleep. Re-reading nursery rhymes that just don’t make sense or doing puppet shows to an infant who looks blankly at you.

That’s what I don’t have in me. I’m great at teething and I can stay up late when someone has a fever, Dahlia one time got a stomachbug that caused her to lose the contents of her stomach all over the nursery and I managed to clean her, the nursery and got her settled down in record time. But I was just not cut out for “Baa baa black sheep”.

I just couldn’t do every day Mommy. Gene did the everyday and I swooped in and handled the crises. Maybe I could have figured it out but Gene died. He died and Dahlia and I only had each other.

I remember after he died one of the Counselors asked me why was I so angry. Was I angry that he left me? Yeah I was angry about that. But I wasn’t surprised. I had to beg him before to come back after missions; it was a sore point with us. After awhile…there’s only so much begging you can do in a relationship. If you’re not enough for a person to stay then what’s the point?

I was surprised he left our daughter. Our daughter who looked for him, who could only say “Dada” and who only looked around me for him. For the rest of her life she was going to look at me as a poor substitute and I knew it. What was I supposed to say?

The counselor told me to say that her daddy was a hero.

I told him that heroes don’t tuck in little girls at night, they don’t read “Baa baa black sheep” and they don’t kiss boo boos. Heroes don’t make shuttle noises during feeding times and they don’t give piggyback rides.

He told me that was what Mamas were for.

[[more long gulps – more pouring of liquid into glass – more gulps]]

It took a little time, and I won’t say how we got there, but we did.

I still didn’t read “Baa baa black sheep”.

Meeting Jake helped, even I hadn’t married him, I think it would have helped. I felt engulfed in shadows when I returned to the GATEWAY and Jake was…he was…he wasn’t in the shadows. I don’t know how else to explain it.

[[laughs]]

We had a life together and eventually it made sense to take it to the next level. Sure let’s get married.

[[more pouring – more gulps]]

It’s not the love, we still love each other. That is Jake’s answer to everything; it’s a good one too. But…love is not enough for marriage. I’d still be married to Gene if love was enough for marriage. There needs to be more.

[[Five minutes and twelve seconds goes by.]]

Direction. We don’t have a direction anymore.

It was easy to have direction when we lived on the GATEWAY; we knew what we were doing. But since Benito has been born, we haven’t lived together. I thought…

[[gulps – pours liquid into glass – gulps]]

Ah Benito, bambino mio. Mi dispiace – I thought between the two that would be the direction. I always knew I was not enough. I don’t…Gods that does sound so pathetic. But what do you say after watching everyone walk….but I thought for sure you they would be enough for…

Mi dispiace.

At least I tried harder; I wanted to do better this time. I focused more on them. I tried to be the good mother. Balanced what they needed and what I needed.

I still never mastered “Baa baa black sheep”. Dahlia went to sleep by listening to ship logs then peace accords. Benito went to sleep by listening to government reports. Eventually they learned to pick out their own stories just so they could avoid the misery of hearing my work. Homework is done around dinner; I’ve structured my job around their lives. I’m there for every game, every parent-teacher conference, and I schedule all the playdates. I have to be the one who explains why you can’t stick gum in your sister’s hair and why it’s not nice to wake your brother when he’s napping. Occasionally it gets to be fun at the beach but they never remember that as much when it’s the same person who has to yell at them to clean their rooms.

Every day; every day I’m there. But it’s not enough, it wasn’t enough this time.

I used to think I was better in a crisis but this time I wasn’t. I couldn’t even find my children. They were put in harm’s way because of me, and I couldn’t even find them.

[[long, sober pause]]

Marriage was supposed to be this safe place that I could be myself. Motherhood was supposed to be this magical happy mystical experience. Instead I feel lost when I am with my husband because I don’t know him. Motherhood has ripped me asunder and has left feeling that there is this thin red line of acceptable behavior, and no matter what I do, no matter what kind of example I set it’s wrong.

I can’t keep going on like this.

[[Long pause]]

Jake said he wants to be with me, but it’s not where my job is. My kids used to seem interested in being with me, but they’re tired of not being with Jake.

I never wanted to be that person who gave up everything for their family; it may seem romantic but I didn’t want to lose myself. But when it was taken from me…

Maybe it’s time to take my family up on their offer... if it’s not too late.

[[long pause]]

I had forgotten how pretty the stars are when it’s quiet. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had the chance to just sit and watch.

[[long pause]]

Computer, end personal log. Begin professional log – titled…”Steps to resignation”


=/\=

NRPG: I’ve had some thoughts about this log for awhile and this seemed appropriate with some rumblings that will be happening when we all get to EARTH ;)

Shawn: So what will Jake do when Xana says she’s willing to actually quit to follow him? ;)

Susan/Chris: Does this set up everything up everything ok?

=/\=


Sarah Albertini-Bond
As
Xana Bonviva
Secretary of Starfleet




Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.
-Donna Bell

 

Tags: personal log, politics